Why Your Style Matters from a Licensed Professional Counselor
I’ve always been fascinated with psychology and often joke about how studying the brain may have been a very real career path for me if I hadn’t chosen to be a stylist. But joking aside, I’ve been in a position more than once where my clients required me to play the part of therapist during a Closet Cleaning or Shopping Session. As it turns out, the work accomplished during a style session is far from surface level; this work cuts to the very core of who a person is.
If you’ve ever been curious why the way you LOOK seems to directly impact how you feel about yourself, you’ll love this interview with my client and dear friend of five years, Natalie Van Note. Natalie is one brilliant lady. She specializes in Post Divorce Counseling, Divorce Coaching, Co-Parent Counseling, and Psychotherapy with people who have hard-to-treat mood and anxiety disorders. She also has an extensive background as a Child and Family Investigator and has worked with the military to create PTSD post-deployment treatments.
After working with her this past spring, she mentioned how she recommends a stylist to all her therapy clients, and I was curious to learn more. Why is style so important for those seeking help from a licensed professional counselor?
Let’s hear what she has to say...
Q: Natalie, thank you for so generously sharing your wisdom and experience with us in this article! Before we dive in, would you be willing to share a little more about what you do and WHY you do it?
I’ve practiced as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and in all aspects of family law for over 21 years. I believe people enter into counseling when they feel "stuck" in some area of their lives. While we all are equipped with varying amounts of tools to cope with life stressors, at times we have limited tools (or rather, limited knowledge of behavioral skills) in our toolboxes. My passion is to help people identify what strengths they possess, learn what will help them get "unstuck," and teach them the skills that will enable them to live rich, full lives.
I’ve poured my life’s work into being a counselor because when I was a youth, the majority of therapy was “talk therapy.” It consisted of sitting in a counselor’s office, talking about my problems for an hour, and getting no feedback or direction. I swore to myself that if I ever became a psychotherapist, I would be a behavioral/cognitive-behavioral therapist. If I can teach a client a new way to act and/or think, she will have the first seed of HOPE, which generates confidence that she can reach her goals.
It is so rewarding to work with people to overcome what may seem like immovable struggles and reach the highest goals they can imagine for themselves. I firmly believe that if clients are open to change, a whole new world awaits them, and I love to be part of that process!
Q: I know you work with both men and women, but since the majority of people reading this blog are women, would you be willing to share a little more about the type of female client you most often work with? In what ways are you best suited to help her?
Most of the female clients I work with are in one of two categories: (1) going through divorce or are post-divorce; and (2) women with very difficult-to-treat disorders such as bipolar disorder, depression, borderline personality disorder, and anxiety disorders like panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, and OCD. I’ve spent many years training to work with clients with difficult mood and anxiety problems, as well as personality disorders. I use a special kind of behavioral therapy that gently pushes my clients towards change...at their speed. As for divorcing women, I’ve worked in almost all aspects of family law for over two decades, so women can expect a knowledgeable and compassionate therapist and coach.
A picture of Natalie when she modeled for my portfolio back in 2016!
Q: You recently told me how you recommend a stylist to the majority of your clients. Will you explain why you believe this is so important?
It’s like walking into someone’s home for the first time. You can tell a lot about a person just from looking at their living room -- how it’s decorated, if it’s messy or tidy, if it looks lived in or has the sterile look of a museum. When I work with women who start to make major changes in their lives, I like to boost their efforts and confidence by discussing how the inward changes I see may not be seen by others (especially if the client is introverted or if the changes are extremely personal to them only.) I then recommend that in therapy, holistic change includes everything about the person, indeed, the whole person.
That’s when I introduce the concept of a stylist to them. I tell them it is part and parcel of their journey to explore how their inner changes are going to be reflected on the OUTSIDE. Most women have not thought about that, or they think it is strange for me to bring it up. I explain it’s much like a butterfly climbing out of its cocoon-like home for the first time and realizing it’s a completely different being. What could be more important than honoring that? Seeking the feedback of a stylist is exceptionally important, I think, because my clients work SO hard to make so much positive change. What a person WEARS when she meets someone speaks volumes about how she feels about herself.
Q: As a Licensed Professional Counselor, do you advise your clients spend time on their image and appearance? What difference do you believe this makes?
For most of my female clients, appearance is an issue they bring up to me, usually in the beginning stages of counseling when I’m helping them define what their issues are and the goals they would like to reach. I wish I could say most of my clients are happy with their appearance, but that’s not the reality. A great deal of self-loathing, doubt, and even self-hate is expressed in sessions about their physical image. Most of the time it’s tied up in depression, trauma, and body dysmorphia.
When the women I counsel start to learn new beliefs and behaviors to pull themselves out of depression, for example, that’s when I’ll tactfully address their previous concerns about their appearance to see if it’s still an issue for them. If it is, I begin to talk about “what ifs” to open up their minds to the idea that just as they can learn behaviors to get themselves out of depression, they can learn behaviors to learn to love the way they LOOK. It’s almost like I’m giving them permission to care for their bodies if I tell them to experiment by changing one garment in their wardrobe and wear it to the next session. They may be crying, but they inevitably giggle tearfully...and they all “try on” a slightly different version of themselves for the next session. It’s remarkable, really.
Q: Will you tell us about your recent styling experience and how it unearthed a particular lie YOU were believing about yourself?
I had no idea what wardrobe consulting was when we started, but I knew you hit some major pain points I had been carrying around...as evidenced in my closet! Each time you purged my clothing out and we went shopping, I kept getting more and more clear as to "who is Natalie?" I did not realize that I have been walking around with a metaphorical sandwich board that says, "No one will ever want me." It did not come out and come clear to me until right in the middle of this last closet clean out and shopping experience that I really have had this maladaptive core belief stuck to me like a monkey on my back.
It was not just that, though. God did not create us that way; that lie (I know it is a lie NOW) did not come from God, it came from negative messages from others when I was young. YOU, Ms. Mele, helped get that monkey off my back by showing me I deserved to look nice, to spend money on investment clothing, to look good everyday, not just for holidays. YOU taught me that what I wear projects what I think about myself. BAM. That door slammed into my face this last shopping time. I finally got the "real me" in terms of clothing (yes, Ms. Audrey Hepburn) and that freed me to unload my shame and low self-esteem. I now wear EVERYTHING in my closet because it helps me show the world who I was created to be without having to SAY anything. People take me seriously, but enjoy that girlish touch each outfit has to it...not too serious, not too casual. It's (dare I say)...perfectly "ME". That just came out of me right now! I. AM. PERFECTLY. ME! For the first time ever, I am perfectly Natalie Van Note, and I don't have to hide behind clothing that says nothing about me.
Q: Wow. Thank you for sharing this story with us, Natalie! Do you have any closing thoughts on why style matters from someone who’s spent so much time working with men and women in high stress situations?
All I can say is clothing DOES reflect who you are, like it or not. Find the clothes that feel good on your body and wear them; don’t save them for “dress up.” We are only on this earth once, so wear your Sunday best and dance like nobody’s watching.
If you’d like to learn more about Natalie and the work she does, feel free to visit her at https://www.in-sightcounseling.com/.
You can also find her here - www.highconflictdivorcecoach.com.
NOW we’d love to hear from you! Is there a lie or shameful cycle YOU get stuck in when it comes to your style and appearance? Share YOUR story in the comments below!